In the shadows of the night

I’m sure you have noticed by now that I can write for days on end. Most of the time it’s a lot of rambling, not making sense to anyone but me. Maybe one of these days my mind will be clear enough to make sense to everyone else. Hopefully at the same time I won’t feel this overbearing need to sit at the keyboard and tap away. Maybe that will be the time when I can finally lie down at night and rest. When these demons will flee and let me live my life. I hate the night hours. When normal people are asleep and I am left with only the thoughts running through my head. With all the past misdeeds coming back to haunt me. With all the lost opportunities yelling at me look at what you lost out on. All the regrets overwhelming me crushing what little hope I had gathered throughout the day. Yeah its gonna be one of those type of nights. It’s barely going to be one and I am lyin here with my dog wishing I could go to sleep. Instead my fingers itch to tap out what is running through my head. The only problem is that I can’t seem to stay on one subject. Each memory brings forth another none of which are really interrelated except in the way I felt at the time. The timeline wouldn’t really make sense to anyone, the actions erasing no doubt as to my sanity. But you know what really right now I don’t care. This is my therapy; this is how I am going to try to make it release me. I don’t know what else to do, or where else to turn. Insanity seems only to take control while I am drinking and in the shadows of the night. Neither time is an appropriate time to seek help from another person. That leaves me with the keeping it inside even longer or typing until I pass out. I’ve yet to figure out why I post these public, except to let others know they aren’t alone, and hoping that one day I find someone out there who feels the same. Hoping one day to find that I’m not alone.

I attempted to find an AA meeting today. My mind still balks at the thought of saying that I have a problem. Ha-ha it’s not THAT bad, I can stop when I have a reason to do so. I can be at a party in the middle of a bar, say no more and mean it. Only I really didn’t mean it, that’s why I had to tell the bar tender that I was cut off, no more. It’s a good thing that he knows me, that I am friends with the bouncers and wait staff. That I could count on them to tell me no and bring a soda instead. If I had meant it I wouldn’t have had to count on that fact to keep me from going for more. Of course that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have had one of the other girls get me a drink or from pouring myself a beer. The pitcher was there with an extra mug just for me, the birthday girl didn’t know I can’t force myself to drink beer. But you know it’s not that bad. I only drink when I go out and I don’t go out that often. At least I’m not drinking everywhere I go like I witnessed growing up. At least I’m not drinking in front of my kids and neglecting them right? At least I’m sober when they are around me. I’m not a real alcoholic, they are the ones who are drunk no matter what, I can handle it. Only thing is you know what? My heart is whispering to me that it isn’t true. There is a problem. Things get rough and I want that drink. Things are going good, I want to celebrate. Things are just going smoothly, I want to sit back and enjoy the moment, a dink isn’t a bad idea, there isn’t anything pressing that I have to be at the top of my game for….I don’t always get that drink, but the thought is there. I guarantee if it was a Friday and the kids were with their dad already I would get that drink that I want. They are taken care of, so whets to stop me? So I attempted to find a meeting. Wouldn’t you know it; the one I did run into is scheduled at the same time as one of my core classes for my degree. What a dilemma, the class I need to make a better life for me and my kids, or a meeting that might or might not be able to help me change my life and make it better for me and my kids. This is a smaller city, but not that small, there has to be more than the one meeting. If not am I really ready to go in? How many people are there that I am not ready to face? How many am I going to be related to? How comfortable or uncomfortable more to the point am I going to be? What’s the difference between the open and the closed meeting? There really wasn’t that much information other than the date time and place listed. It too much to take in, maybe I’ll just keep tapping away on the keyboard and hope that I am strong enough to hold on….to my sanity, to my life, to just ME!

How can I be so in love with another person when I don’t even know who I am? How am I capable of putting so much trust in him to know what the right thing to do is? To trust his judgment in all aspects of life. Why do I feel so settled after talking to him? Why do I have the strength to take on life’s problems after I hear from him? It can be something as mundane as a smiley sent via text and my day is brighter and I can carry on. Why does he know exactly when I am stumbling? Why does he know to call if it’s really bad or just to send a silly text if its not? What is telling him I need him? Why do I need him? Why did I toss him aside so many years ago? Why didn’t I feel this way the first time I met him. I remember feeling something, getting afraid and pushing him away for a person who was so obviously wrong for me. How can I feel this way for a person I haven’t physically seen in almost ten years?

I am so afraid I am messing up my life and my kid’s lives. Are they better off with grandma and grandpa? Can they do a better job of being there for them than I am? Can they supply for them what I have been unable to do for them? Going to school for my degree is supposed to make life better for us but it takes so much time away from them that I wonder if it is really worth it at all. It’s got to be otherwise why am I wasting so much time there? Why am I working so hard to finish. I’m so close to finishing. Three semesters to go, I can’t wait. Am I just going to trade long hours at school for longer hours at a job? Where do I find the time to spend with my kids? They need me back in their lives; I am slowly but surely losing them. They are all screaming out in their own ways for the attention that I am unable to give them. They all need that extra one on one time. I can barely give them time all together, how am I supposed to find time for one on one time? How can I help them with their problems when I can’t even help myself?

The clock is moving so slowly. Time seems to drag by when the darkness falls and I am left with nothing but myself. Maybe because I don’t like what I see when I look into myself. I’ve really messed up in this lifetime is it really possible to make it better? How in the world did I let things get this bad? I grew up believing in an all mighty god, the Supreme Being that loves us to no end. I grew up believing that all we had to do was ask and he would give us all that we need, and would forgive us our faults. Really though, has he given up on me? Does he really have the time to give every person on this earth what they need? Isn’t that why we were given free will? So that we would be capable of helping ourselves what we need at any particular point in time. Why am I so incapable of making the decisions that would be in my best interests?

I can’t sit here any longer. I can’t sleep and the internet is down once again. Maybe my dog will wake up and keep me company. It’s sad to say that my best friend is my dog. Then again maybe not. She will sit there and listen to me and never tell me I am wrong. She will lay her head down with me and cry at the helplessness, yet jump with excitement just moments later ready to play if I can muster up the will to do so. She offers me everything se has in her, asking in return that I love her just a little bit of love. She’s pregnant things are going to change soon her time will b devoted to her babies as it should be. You know what I’m already jealous; I want her just for me.