Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I went...

Well I went. I even managed to find a seat and stay to listen. Thankfully it was short. There was something else going on so all they did was praise and worship and then one guy got up to talk. I think if it had lasted any longer I would have lost it again and would have walked out. I got that feeling again. I have the worst problem about having people around me. As long as no one is behind me I’m okay, but at both of these meetings, it was kind of impossible to find a spot where that couldn’t happen. You know what’s so funny about that is I love to be around people. I hate being alone, or not having something going on. It just HAS to be in front of me. I guess you could say I like people, I just don’t trust them. Why else would it bother me so much to have my back exposed? That just leaves me feeling too vulnerable. One of the first things that you learn in military combat training is that you can get killed if you turn your back for just a second. It is drilled into you to know your surroundings and keep your guard up. Funny that even though I wasn’t enlisted long, it has really stuck with me. I felt like that before I joined, but they really managed to instill it.

Anyhow, I made it to the meeting. There were quite a few people there, many of them older than me, but quite a few looked to be around my age. That made things a little easier. Everyone seemed to be having a good time; it was very relaxed and casual. I was a few minutes late like I thought I would be and I left as soon as it was over, so I still didn’t even attempt to talk to anyone, but all in all I’m calling it a good meeting. I’m happy or at least content about it. I made it there and stayed until the end. I’m still clueless as to what it’s all about, but hey one step at a time right. Maybe one of these days soon I’ll get to go with my friend. He told me today that his schedule is changing drastically so now we’ll see how things go; maybe I’ll get to see him more often. Even if I don’t, I’m so thankful that his schedule is changing. He was running himself into the ground, so I really think this is a good move for him.

I’ve got to be honest and say the best parts of the meeting were the singing and the end. I like to sing, and I was eagerly anticipating the end so I could leave. The meeting probably really started for me at the end. I went back to talk to my friend. I’m lucky in the respect that he is my mentor at school and he happened to be at work. So I knew where to find him and I was able to sit and talk to him. He felt kind of bad that he sent me to the meeting tonight with everything else that was going on. He said that he forgot and that the meetings aren’t always like that. I’m glad he forgot. It was just long enough. It pushed me to my comfort boundaries, but not too much past what I thought I could handle. Maybe next week I’ll be able to sit through it just a little bit longer. The downfall was I missed my kids today. I had to go to class and then I went to the meeting and went back to talk to J. By the time I got home they were taking showers and getting ready for bed. I’m glad tomorrow is a half day at school. I get the chance to make up that time with them. I’m hoping it will all be worth it…

2 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hi Lela! Nice to meet you! Seems you are not quite out of the woods yet! I hope whatever you decide to do, the journey gets easier for you. I think if alcohol is a problem for you, AA is top dollar stuff. It's great that you're writing all these experiences down, as I'm sure it helps. Like they say 'keep coming back' and all that. Thankfully it DOES get easier! I felt just like a complete mess when I was new. I had no map, no bearings, and no will to try to clamber out of the hole. but I just kept coming back, and it DID get easier. I hope it does for you too :)

Carly said...

Good for you, Lela!