One breath at a time....

I found a meeting place and time I can make! A friend steered me in the right direction. I’ll probably be a few minutes late as one of my classes gets out a short while before the meeting starts, but at least I can manage to make it to this one. Depending on how long it lasts will determine if I am going to lose out on even more time with my kids, but at least for a little while it will be worth it. I can’t be there for them if I can’t be there for myself. This seems to work out really well. Like I said its right after my class, and while two of my kids are in Sunday school. My youngest will be staying with his grandparents during that time, so I don’t really have any other excuses as to why I couldn’t go. I did make an attempt to show up to the one I had found on my own. I showed up to my class 45 minutes late because I had decided to give it a try and see if it was worth changing my schedule and picking up this class later. I barely made it through the door and into a seat. It wasn’t a large group by any means. My problem with it was it was all older people, and almost completely men. I’m not that young, so by older I mean people that are old enough to be my parents or grandparents. Most likely these are the people that are going to truly understand and have the most useful information for me. So of course these are the very people that set me on edge. That old military feeling came up. You know the one that says watch your back, they can’t be trusted, take care of yourself. Literally I was against the wall in just moments. Within moments I was feeling very claustrophobic, like the walls were closing in and there were too many unknowns there. I left. Never said one word to anyone there. So like I said a friend steered me to another meeting. I’ll give it a try, it’s worth it. He didn’t try to lie to me and say I would be comfortable there. Its older people there too, but it’s a good group. I’ll just have to take it on faith that it is. I’m sure our opinions differ on what a good group is, but I can’t do it alone, so this is as good a place to start as any…Who knows, maybe our views aren’t that far off after all. I’ll figure that out tomorrow night.

I talked to my son’s principal this morning. I didn’t want him expelled from school. I don’t know what I expected, but it definitely wasn’t what happened. They told him he had to finish the ISS he was already supposed to do. They told him that he can’t even play talk like that anymore because it could get him into some major trouble. Then they sent him to class. I really expected a little more than that. I’m glad my sister works for CPS. I had her bring a lot of stuff for him to see and read. So he would finally realize that if this keeps up, the state can take him away, and that is what life will be like. We are all working on finding better ways to communicate, but that was the only way I could think of to get through to him immediately. We told him we loved him, we didn’t want him to be taken away, but it was his choice too. He had to meet us half way and at least try to do what was asked of him. We don’t ask for much, so it couldn’t be that hard to at least try. Wow I felt like a hypocrite talking to him again. It is hard to just try, especially when you really don’t want to, or just plain don’t know where to start. I don’t know maybe we made a small enough impact with him that we can break back in and help before it is too late. At least I got him into some counseling. Now if only I could get the rest of us in…He’s a start. He needs it the most. He holds it all in and locks us all out.

My jailed “friend”, well I still haven’t heard much from him. He called from his girlfriends phone to ask why his phone was off. (He uses the secondary line on my account) I told him it was because he hadn’t paid his portion of the bill and how much he owed. He said he would get it to me right away. Of course he didn’t, I guess having a phone wasn’t that important to him. Oh well, I’ll collect the phone from him and give it back to the kids to use on the weekend. My bill will be smaller and easier to manage without him anyways. The two guys from the regular crew have called a few times just to talk. They tried to get me to go out to the bar while the kids were busy, but didn’t really push when I said no. One of them dropped it right away. The other invited me to his house to watch a movie with him, his roommate and his roomies sister. I almost thought about going. Something told me to tell him maybe, I would get back with him about it. I’m glad I did that. Now I don’t have that as an excuse as to why I couldn’t make the AA meeting. We can always catch up some other time, my life right now is more important. I’m glad to know that I didn’t lose all of the regular crew, but I’m sure it will only be time. That’s okay I’ll meet more people. Maybe people with interests more inline with mine. These guys almost expect me to go out and party. To dance and drink the night away, to just hang out. They only see the tip of the iceberg when we get around the electronics. I’m just the chick that can do some cool shit with the computer, and knows how to talk you through a PC problem. They are by no means techies. I really wonder how I got in with them...

Amazing I just had to sit back and relax for things to get just a little better. What I just knew was going to be an awful day turned out pretty good. I got to go to class. I really enjoyed them even though it was just the basics today. It won’t always just be the basics, they will get more interesting. I got to talk to a favorite person, who of course had great advice. Really nothing more than I already knew myself, but he helped send it home. He gave me other options. I got to talk to G today too. He’s feeling a lot better than he did this weekend. We really honestly talked about where we are in our relationship. I love him, but I’m afraid to do anything right now. I really have to get my life in order before I can even consider taking on something as complicated as a relationship, much less a long distance relationship. I honestly think that will be setting myself up for failure. If he can wait for me to get to where I need to be great, if not well I can’t ask him to put his life on hold for me. Only time will tell if we are meant to be together. If we are going to have the once in a lifetime relationship. I can only trust that if we are, it will still be available when I am ready to handle it. I’m not saying I am going to cut myself off completely from him, I’m just saying that I can’t make him my priority. Maybe a few months down the road things will look differently. Only time will tell.

In the mean time I’m going to bed. Its barely midnight and I’m ready to sleep!!! Today was good. The next moments will be great, I’m going to get some rest. Tomorrow will reveal itself in time….We’re all healthy, and happy, what more can I ask for?