God, now what?

Really that is my question. Things weren’t great, but it wasn’t that bad. I had a resolve this week. I was going out with my friends for the birthday and girls night out. I wasn’t going to drink, I was going to have fun. Sober fun. Friday is looking good, no major setbacks, things are going at least at an even keel. Afterschool I went to pick up my kids. I can’t wait to see them. We’re going out to eat before they go to their dad. I want to go skating with them.

None of that gets to happen. My middle child got into trouble at school. I’m not sure what was going through his head, what in the world he was thinking. He won’t talk to me, and now he is with his dad. Maybe he will get an answer from him. What happened is he constructed a gun out of paper and told another child if you pay me I won’t shoot you. A teacher overheard, thank god. Yes I know it was just made out of paper, that kids all act out what they see and hear. I don’t want my kids playing like that. Anyhow, you know by now that there is Zero Tolerance. He’s not allowed back at least until I talk to the principle. I was forwarned that he could be expelled over this. Almost as soon as I walk out of the school, CYFD calls me and says they need to talk to me about this incident. They help me to set up counseling services for him. I hope this helps. I am so mad at him I can’t even talk to him. All I have said to him at this point in time is get in my car NOW.

By the time we leave the CYFD office I have time to go cash my check, and take them to buy the toy I had promised them they could have a week earlier. Things can’t even go smoothly at the store. My youngest got his toy in about 2.5, It took my oldest son about five minutes to find something. Yes, even though I was so mad I couldn’t talk to him, I wasn’t going to break my promise to him. I still let him choose a toy. My daughter on the other hand is throwing a temper tantrum, she can’t find anything. What she does want is way to expensive. After another ten minutes I told her we had to leave, get something, or get nothing, we are late getting to their dad’s house. She gets even madder, pouts more, I told her she doesn’t get anything, lets go. By now the boys are fighting. I can’t handle them. Thank god for my cousin, she came rushing to my side as soon as I called her to tell her what had happened. She straightened them out for me. I met their dad to drop them off and fill him in. I told him why we were late, gave him the money that was meant to buy my daughter’s toy and said IF he had time and wanted to he could take her for something, if not I could do it sometime this weekend. He surprised me, he acted interested in what had happened. He wants to do anything to help the situation. Keep him posted, he’s there to help. Wow.

By now I am really wanting to go get stupid drunk and forget how the afternoon went. I called my friend. We went out for dinner. We went for a drive, I took a nap, he just held me. When we part I am feeling better. I feel stronger. I still need help. Something solid to remind me. I bought a dog tag with the picture of the lord holding his hands out to me. I’m ready to face the evening. I have that birthday party to go to, Girls night only. Things start off great. I order a soda, I talk to the girls. They question my drink choice and I told them I just wasn’t drinking and left it at that.

The guy that I got pregnant by walked into the bar his new girlfriend on his arm. She’s married to a military man in Iraq. It disgusts me, but its their choice. Until a short while before I was great friends with this guy. After everything happened and he got together with this girl I was at his house on a daily basis, just to kick it. He was falsely accused and arrested for assault. I couldn’t help him out. What money I do have needs to go to my kids, I can’t bail him out. He got so mad that he blew me off. His loss. But seeing him and not even being acknowledged stung. Then the rest of the crew started trickled in. Only two of them even talked to me. He had asked all his friends not to associate themselves with the people that refused to help him. I said that’s fine. They can do as they please, its up to them. There’s my table if they want to stop and chat. I went to the bar and ordered a vodka Shelton, drank it at the bar and ordered a second. Double please. I went back to the table and started talking to the girls again. Minutes later my drink is gone. I want something stronger. Something that will take a little longer to drink. I ordered a Derailment. Then another Shelton.

This would be when my phone rang. The guy that has my heart called. I haven’t seen him in more than ten years, but I love him like there is no tomorrow. I can’t wait for spring break. I can’t wait to see him. I can’t wait to finish school, so I can move. He’s sick, he’s a thousand miles away. I miss him so much. Its midnight for him, he should be asleep. He can barely talk his throat is so raw, but something told him to call me right now. Get up, get the phone don’t wait till tomorrow. I gave the drink away and ordered a soda. Told the bartender I was done, no more. After a few minutes of hearing him struggle to talk to me I told him to go to bed. Get some rest and message me in the morning. Don’t call, let his voice rest. You know what my night got better. The girls gave me a hard time for not drinking more, but by the end of the night were saying how great it was to have the will power to stop drinking in the middle of the bar and mean it. They have no idea. I hung on to my necklace all night. At the table, on the dance floor, while talking to the bouncers. I had to feel something there telling me I don’t need it. I’m surprised I didn’t break the chain as often as I pulled at it. G didn’t know I wanted to stop drinking. He just knew that there was a reason he had to call me and check in. As sick as he was he did. I wrote him and told him the rest of the story. I thanked him for listening to that something. I was at 6 days and 18 hours when I broke. I have no excuses, so my day got rough. Doesn’t everyone’s at one point in time or another?

I told the girls I wasn’t going out tonight, I’m sorry but they will have to finish celebrating without me. I am going to eat popcorn and watch a movie. Maybe hang out in the hot tub. They are welcome to join me, but no alcohol in my house. My cousin might join me. If not, well I’ll enjoy it all with my kids. I called their dad and told him I canceled my plans, I don’t need him to keep the kids all weekend unless he has something special already planned. I’ll pick them up after work. Maybe I’ll still take them skating. I don’t have the energy to be mad at B. Is this his way of crying out for help, for asking for attention. Am I neglecting him? Things have to change. I think that change has to start with me before it can change for them. I’m cutting back on work for those extra hours between their school and mine. Its time to reconnect with them. Its time to get back into their lives before its too late. Wish me luck. I think I’m going to need it.