I'm not sure where to turn for help, I'm not sure I want to. I know I need to. Growing up I watched family drink every spare moment they had. Noone ever called them alcoholics. Noone ever went for help. I thought it was normal. The older I got the more I noticed and hated about the drinking. But it was only beer, it could be worse, at least they don't have a problem...Becoming an adult I couldn't bring myself to drink. The few times I did it couldn't be beer and I got that drunk feeling off of just one drink. I decided it wasn't worth it, and didin't think twice about telling people I didn't drink and ordering myself a soda.
That all changed the day I got divorced. After being married for ten years I told my husband to get out. Ten days later I had divorce papers and custody papers finalized. Just a week before I had asked him to move the thought of getting divorced hadn't crossed my mind. I wasn't happy, but the marriage wasn't that horrible. My vows said till death do us part. I wasn't leaving. The night I asked him to leave he had gone out for his birthday. He swears he told me weeks before he was going with the guys at work. If he did, I don't remember it. The day was rough, we had spent the afternoon helping his sister remodel, I didn't feel like cooking. I wanted to just sit down, but the kids needed to eat. I walked in the room and told him I needed some money. I got the most hateful go to hell look from him, as he asked me what the hell for now. I left. Put the kids in the car and went for a drive. We didn't come home until I knew he was gone. I made dinner, bathed the kids and put them down for bed. A few hours later when he still hadn't come home I asked my mom to keep an eye on the kids while I went to go see where he was. I didn't have a good feeling about him being out. I went by every bar in town. I went by every open restraunt in town. I went by every person's house that I could think of. I went home to wait. Last call came and went. Still no husband. Three rolls around, then four. I'm packing his stuff. Five rolls around when he walks into the room. I can't even fight with him, I don't have it in me anymore. I told him his stuff was packed, his sister left the door open for him. Leave. Now. I'll give him credit, he tried to talk to me. He tried to tell my his excuses. He tried to hold me and kiss me. I couldn't do it anymore. I moved. I closed up on myself and told him to leave again. I told him I would have him taken out if he wouldn't do it himself. Dad was just down the hall, he would do it if I woke him. Its amazing, in all our other arguments we are screaming and yelling within moments, this time I didn't even have it in me to raise my voice. Two days later I got a divorce packet from the courthouse. Eight days later it was final. Everything. I got sole custody of our three kids.
That night I went to the bar, to celebrate. To say look at me I'm free. That was the beginning. Now I am out every Friday night. Drinking till the bar closes going to an after party. Forgettting to come home. Deluding myslef into thinking that all is well as long as I'm sober when the kids come home from their overnight stay with their dad and his girlfriend.
December 14th I realized things were getting out of hand. I was told I was pregnant, then I was told the test was wrong. I wasn't even suposed to be able to have kids anymore, I had my tubes tied six years before. My first thought was that I needed a drink. Not wanted, needed. I spent that evening with an awesome guy. Just a friend. He's been there, he knew what I meant. He didn't tell me how wrong it was, he didn't judge me, he didn't condemn me. Just three simple words. "Not tonight, Please." So simple, yet so powerful. Three days later I went to the hospital. I was pregnant. The fetus was in the tube by the scar tissue. The tech that did the sonogram a few days earlier made a mistake and called it all scar tissue. I miscarried. I needed a drink after that too. I was really scared now. I can't need a drink after I get upsetting news. I'm a single mom of three kids. I can't let this become a problem, who will take care of my babies? After talking to him I realized how things were getting out of hand. I got scared. I didn't drink for a few weeks after that. It didn't take long to say things weren't that bad, I can drink and keep it under control. I don't have a problem, you can't have a problem if you are only drinking once a week. He still didn't condemn, or judge. I saw the disappointment when he said I was doing so good. Please be careful. Don't drink and drive. You know what I was ashamed to go order a drink when he was our server at my favorite restraunt. I don't like that feeling. If I can't order a drink from a person who is my friend, if I am going to try to hide the fact that I am drinking from a friend, then it is a problem.
It might not be as bad as others, but its bad enough for me. It's a problem when you are drinking every spare moment you have. I am. The only time I have to myself, when I'm not at work,at school or with my kids is Friday night from 5 till Saturday at 4. I drink Friday from 8 till I pass out. Its a problem. I don't want it anymore. Now where do I turn? How do I spend time with my cousin's and friends, go out dancing and not be tempted to drink like a fish? How do I take control again? What do I do? This can't get worse. I won't let it...
7 comments:
Hi Lela, I'm really glad you left a comment on my blog so I could find yours. I'm so touched by your story, I just want to hug you and tell you it's going to be OK.
"It might not be as bad as others, but its bad enough for me."
Yes! You're exactly right. I could have written that, and I remind myself of that many times when my mind tries to tell me it wasn't that bad. Alcoholism ALWAYS tries to convince it wasn't that bad, that it'll be better next time. They say this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and I've found this to be true.
It sounds like you're at the turning point where you can't imagine life with alcohol and can't imagine life without it. I was there 16 months ago. Actually I was there the last 6-7 *years* of my drinking, but only got help 16 months ago. I hope you'll get help sooner than later! There's no need to stay in this hell.
If you've read my blog, you know I''m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's my solution and I can't even begin to express how much it rocks! If we lived close I'd offer to take you to a meeting. There are local AA offices everywhere that can hook you up with a nearby meeting and you can look up yours in the yellow pages or online.
It's OK if you're terrified. It's OK if you're angry, confused and lost. Every single one of us knows what it feels like because we were there too. You are not alone in this.
My email is humblelush@gmail.com if you want to connect via email.
Blessings to you!
Love,
Carly
P.S. Holy cow, that's the longest comment EVER! *gulp*
Hi Lela, I'm Meg and I'm an alcoholic. I totally understand your confusion and your fear. I didn't know what what happening to me when I found AA. I thought I was depressed, or confused, or just a victim of alot of bad circumstances. The truth is we have a disease. There is help for us. I hope you find it now. You never have to suffer alone with this lonely sad dilema again. We do this thing together.
Hi there..hang in there and I second what Carly says. It took me so long to get to AA, and when I finally decided to work the program, I found a new life.
Come visit my blog (www.stayathomemotherdom.com) and/or email me when you get a chance.
Jen
Welcome, Lela. "bad enough for me" is all you need to hang onto.
I hope you do as Carly suggested and look up AA or NA online or in the yellow pages. Most of us have links from our blogs. Give it a try.
And, by all means, keep coming back!
Peace,
Scout
Hi Lela,
Following the heart can take a lot of courage..I understand.I hear your fear.I was that Mom and woman twelve years ago.I knew I had to change before it was too late.I was determind to turn my fears in to courage ..and I did.You can too.
Know that you will never have to be alone again...just keep sharing..you will be amazed at the difference it can make.I appreciate what you shared here in your post..keep in touch with the bloggers you connect with and never doubt there is HOPE>Believe.
Tab
I just wanted to say welcome. There are some wonderful people here in the blogger world and the have given me much support and help along the way. Hang in there, it does get better, one day at a time.
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