I went...

Well I went. I even managed to find a seat and stay to listen. Thankfully it was short. There was something else going on so all they did was praise and worship and then one guy got up to talk. I think if it had lasted any longer I would have lost it again and would have walked out. I got that feeling again. I have the worst problem about having people around me. As long as no one is behind me I’m okay, but at both of these meetings, it was kind of impossible to find a spot where that couldn’t happen. You know what’s so funny about that is I love to be around people. I hate being alone, or not having something going on. It just HAS to be in front of me. I guess you could say I like people, I just don’t trust them. Why else would it bother me so much to have my back exposed? That just leaves me feeling too vulnerable. One of the first things that you learn in military combat training is that you can get killed if you turn your back for just a second. It is drilled into you to know your surroundings and keep your guard up. Funny that even though I wasn’t enlisted long, it has really stuck with me. I felt like that before I joined, but they really managed to instill it.

Anyhow, I made it to the meeting. There were quite a few people there, many of them older than me, but quite a few looked to be around my age. That made things a little easier. Everyone seemed to be having a good time; it was very relaxed and casual. I was a few minutes late like I thought I would be and I left as soon as it was over, so I still didn’t even attempt to talk to anyone, but all in all I’m calling it a good meeting. I’m happy or at least content about it. I made it there and stayed until the end. I’m still clueless as to what it’s all about, but hey one step at a time right. Maybe one of these days soon I’ll get to go with my friend. He told me today that his schedule is changing drastically so now we’ll see how things go; maybe I’ll get to see him more often. Even if I don’t, I’m so thankful that his schedule is changing. He was running himself into the ground, so I really think this is a good move for him.

I’ve got to be honest and say the best parts of the meeting were the singing and the end. I like to sing, and I was eagerly anticipating the end so I could leave. The meeting probably really started for me at the end. I went back to talk to my friend. I’m lucky in the respect that he is my mentor at school and he happened to be at work. So I knew where to find him and I was able to sit and talk to him. He felt kind of bad that he sent me to the meeting tonight with everything else that was going on. He said that he forgot and that the meetings aren’t always like that. I’m glad he forgot. It was just long enough. It pushed me to my comfort boundaries, but not too much past what I thought I could handle. Maybe next week I’ll be able to sit through it just a little bit longer. The downfall was I missed my kids today. I had to go to class and then I went to the meeting and went back to talk to J. By the time I got home they were taking showers and getting ready for bed. I’m glad tomorrow is a half day at school. I get the chance to make up that time with them. I’m hoping it will all be worth it…

One breath at a time....

I found a meeting place and time I can make! A friend steered me in the right direction. I’ll probably be a few minutes late as one of my classes gets out a short while before the meeting starts, but at least I can manage to make it to this one. Depending on how long it lasts will determine if I am going to lose out on even more time with my kids, but at least for a little while it will be worth it. I can’t be there for them if I can’t be there for myself. This seems to work out really well. Like I said its right after my class, and while two of my kids are in Sunday school. My youngest will be staying with his grandparents during that time, so I don’t really have any other excuses as to why I couldn’t go. I did make an attempt to show up to the one I had found on my own. I showed up to my class 45 minutes late because I had decided to give it a try and see if it was worth changing my schedule and picking up this class later. I barely made it through the door and into a seat. It wasn’t a large group by any means. My problem with it was it was all older people, and almost completely men. I’m not that young, so by older I mean people that are old enough to be my parents or grandparents. Most likely these are the people that are going to truly understand and have the most useful information for me. So of course these are the very people that set me on edge. That old military feeling came up. You know the one that says watch your back, they can’t be trusted, take care of yourself. Literally I was against the wall in just moments. Within moments I was feeling very claustrophobic, like the walls were closing in and there were too many unknowns there. I left. Never said one word to anyone there. So like I said a friend steered me to another meeting. I’ll give it a try, it’s worth it. He didn’t try to lie to me and say I would be comfortable there. Its older people there too, but it’s a good group. I’ll just have to take it on faith that it is. I’m sure our opinions differ on what a good group is, but I can’t do it alone, so this is as good a place to start as any…Who knows, maybe our views aren’t that far off after all. I’ll figure that out tomorrow night.

I talked to my son’s principal this morning. I didn’t want him expelled from school. I don’t know what I expected, but it definitely wasn’t what happened. They told him he had to finish the ISS he was already supposed to do. They told him that he can’t even play talk like that anymore because it could get him into some major trouble. Then they sent him to class. I really expected a little more than that. I’m glad my sister works for CPS. I had her bring a lot of stuff for him to see and read. So he would finally realize that if this keeps up, the state can take him away, and that is what life will be like. We are all working on finding better ways to communicate, but that was the only way I could think of to get through to him immediately. We told him we loved him, we didn’t want him to be taken away, but it was his choice too. He had to meet us half way and at least try to do what was asked of him. We don’t ask for much, so it couldn’t be that hard to at least try. Wow I felt like a hypocrite talking to him again. It is hard to just try, especially when you really don’t want to, or just plain don’t know where to start. I don’t know maybe we made a small enough impact with him that we can break back in and help before it is too late. At least I got him into some counseling. Now if only I could get the rest of us in…He’s a start. He needs it the most. He holds it all in and locks us all out.

My jailed “friend”, well I still haven’t heard much from him. He called from his girlfriends phone to ask why his phone was off. (He uses the secondary line on my account) I told him it was because he hadn’t paid his portion of the bill and how much he owed. He said he would get it to me right away. Of course he didn’t, I guess having a phone wasn’t that important to him. Oh well, I’ll collect the phone from him and give it back to the kids to use on the weekend. My bill will be smaller and easier to manage without him anyways. The two guys from the regular crew have called a few times just to talk. They tried to get me to go out to the bar while the kids were busy, but didn’t really push when I said no. One of them dropped it right away. The other invited me to his house to watch a movie with him, his roommate and his roomies sister. I almost thought about going. Something told me to tell him maybe, I would get back with him about it. I’m glad I did that. Now I don’t have that as an excuse as to why I couldn’t make the AA meeting. We can always catch up some other time, my life right now is more important. I’m glad to know that I didn’t lose all of the regular crew, but I’m sure it will only be time. That’s okay I’ll meet more people. Maybe people with interests more inline with mine. These guys almost expect me to go out and party. To dance and drink the night away, to just hang out. They only see the tip of the iceberg when we get around the electronics. I’m just the chick that can do some cool shit with the computer, and knows how to talk you through a PC problem. They are by no means techies. I really wonder how I got in with them...

Amazing I just had to sit back and relax for things to get just a little better. What I just knew was going to be an awful day turned out pretty good. I got to go to class. I really enjoyed them even though it was just the basics today. It won’t always just be the basics, they will get more interesting. I got to talk to a favorite person, who of course had great advice. Really nothing more than I already knew myself, but he helped send it home. He gave me other options. I got to talk to G today too. He’s feeling a lot better than he did this weekend. We really honestly talked about where we are in our relationship. I love him, but I’m afraid to do anything right now. I really have to get my life in order before I can even consider taking on something as complicated as a relationship, much less a long distance relationship. I honestly think that will be setting myself up for failure. If he can wait for me to get to where I need to be great, if not well I can’t ask him to put his life on hold for me. Only time will tell if we are meant to be together. If we are going to have the once in a lifetime relationship. I can only trust that if we are, it will still be available when I am ready to handle it. I’m not saying I am going to cut myself off completely from him, I’m just saying that I can’t make him my priority. Maybe a few months down the road things will look differently. Only time will tell.

In the mean time I’m going to bed. Its barely midnight and I’m ready to sleep!!! Today was good. The next moments will be great, I’m going to get some rest. Tomorrow will reveal itself in time….We’re all healthy, and happy, what more can I ask for?

In the shadows of the night

I’m sure you have noticed by now that I can write for days on end. Most of the time it’s a lot of rambling, not making sense to anyone but me. Maybe one of these days my mind will be clear enough to make sense to everyone else. Hopefully at the same time I won’t feel this overbearing need to sit at the keyboard and tap away. Maybe that will be the time when I can finally lie down at night and rest. When these demons will flee and let me live my life. I hate the night hours. When normal people are asleep and I am left with only the thoughts running through my head. With all the past misdeeds coming back to haunt me. With all the lost opportunities yelling at me look at what you lost out on. All the regrets overwhelming me crushing what little hope I had gathered throughout the day. Yeah its gonna be one of those type of nights. It’s barely going to be one and I am lyin here with my dog wishing I could go to sleep. Instead my fingers itch to tap out what is running through my head. The only problem is that I can’t seem to stay on one subject. Each memory brings forth another none of which are really interrelated except in the way I felt at the time. The timeline wouldn’t really make sense to anyone, the actions erasing no doubt as to my sanity. But you know what really right now I don’t care. This is my therapy; this is how I am going to try to make it release me. I don’t know what else to do, or where else to turn. Insanity seems only to take control while I am drinking and in the shadows of the night. Neither time is an appropriate time to seek help from another person. That leaves me with the keeping it inside even longer or typing until I pass out. I’ve yet to figure out why I post these public, except to let others know they aren’t alone, and hoping that one day I find someone out there who feels the same. Hoping one day to find that I’m not alone.

I attempted to find an AA meeting today. My mind still balks at the thought of saying that I have a problem. Ha-ha it’s not THAT bad, I can stop when I have a reason to do so. I can be at a party in the middle of a bar, say no more and mean it. Only I really didn’t mean it, that’s why I had to tell the bar tender that I was cut off, no more. It’s a good thing that he knows me, that I am friends with the bouncers and wait staff. That I could count on them to tell me no and bring a soda instead. If I had meant it I wouldn’t have had to count on that fact to keep me from going for more. Of course that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have had one of the other girls get me a drink or from pouring myself a beer. The pitcher was there with an extra mug just for me, the birthday girl didn’t know I can’t force myself to drink beer. But you know it’s not that bad. I only drink when I go out and I don’t go out that often. At least I’m not drinking everywhere I go like I witnessed growing up. At least I’m not drinking in front of my kids and neglecting them right? At least I’m sober when they are around me. I’m not a real alcoholic, they are the ones who are drunk no matter what, I can handle it. Only thing is you know what? My heart is whispering to me that it isn’t true. There is a problem. Things get rough and I want that drink. Things are going good, I want to celebrate. Things are just going smoothly, I want to sit back and enjoy the moment, a dink isn’t a bad idea, there isn’t anything pressing that I have to be at the top of my game for….I don’t always get that drink, but the thought is there. I guarantee if it was a Friday and the kids were with their dad already I would get that drink that I want. They are taken care of, so whets to stop me? So I attempted to find a meeting. Wouldn’t you know it; the one I did run into is scheduled at the same time as one of my core classes for my degree. What a dilemma, the class I need to make a better life for me and my kids, or a meeting that might or might not be able to help me change my life and make it better for me and my kids. This is a smaller city, but not that small, there has to be more than the one meeting. If not am I really ready to go in? How many people are there that I am not ready to face? How many am I going to be related to? How comfortable or uncomfortable more to the point am I going to be? What’s the difference between the open and the closed meeting? There really wasn’t that much information other than the date time and place listed. It too much to take in, maybe I’ll just keep tapping away on the keyboard and hope that I am strong enough to hold on….to my sanity, to my life, to just ME!

How can I be so in love with another person when I don’t even know who I am? How am I capable of putting so much trust in him to know what the right thing to do is? To trust his judgment in all aspects of life. Why do I feel so settled after talking to him? Why do I have the strength to take on life’s problems after I hear from him? It can be something as mundane as a smiley sent via text and my day is brighter and I can carry on. Why does he know exactly when I am stumbling? Why does he know to call if it’s really bad or just to send a silly text if its not? What is telling him I need him? Why do I need him? Why did I toss him aside so many years ago? Why didn’t I feel this way the first time I met him. I remember feeling something, getting afraid and pushing him away for a person who was so obviously wrong for me. How can I feel this way for a person I haven’t physically seen in almost ten years?

I am so afraid I am messing up my life and my kid’s lives. Are they better off with grandma and grandpa? Can they do a better job of being there for them than I am? Can they supply for them what I have been unable to do for them? Going to school for my degree is supposed to make life better for us but it takes so much time away from them that I wonder if it is really worth it at all. It’s got to be otherwise why am I wasting so much time there? Why am I working so hard to finish. I’m so close to finishing. Three semesters to go, I can’t wait. Am I just going to trade long hours at school for longer hours at a job? Where do I find the time to spend with my kids? They need me back in their lives; I am slowly but surely losing them. They are all screaming out in their own ways for the attention that I am unable to give them. They all need that extra one on one time. I can barely give them time all together, how am I supposed to find time for one on one time? How can I help them with their problems when I can’t even help myself?

The clock is moving so slowly. Time seems to drag by when the darkness falls and I am left with nothing but myself. Maybe because I don’t like what I see when I look into myself. I’ve really messed up in this lifetime is it really possible to make it better? How in the world did I let things get this bad? I grew up believing in an all mighty god, the Supreme Being that loves us to no end. I grew up believing that all we had to do was ask and he would give us all that we need, and would forgive us our faults. Really though, has he given up on me? Does he really have the time to give every person on this earth what they need? Isn’t that why we were given free will? So that we would be capable of helping ourselves what we need at any particular point in time. Why am I so incapable of making the decisions that would be in my best interests?

I can’t sit here any longer. I can’t sleep and the internet is down once again. Maybe my dog will wake up and keep me company. It’s sad to say that my best friend is my dog. Then again maybe not. She will sit there and listen to me and never tell me I am wrong. She will lay her head down with me and cry at the helplessness, yet jump with excitement just moments later ready to play if I can muster up the will to do so. She offers me everything se has in her, asking in return that I love her just a little bit of love. She’s pregnant things are going to change soon her time will b devoted to her babies as it should be. You know what I’m already jealous; I want her just for me.

It's not that bad

At least not yet. I skipped out on the second half of the birthday party and girls night out. I couldn't go out to another bar this week, I wouldn't have held through. I took my kids to church. I didn't pay much attention, but I was there, its a start. Afterwards I took them out for Pizza came home and watched cartoons. After the kids went to bed I stayed up and talked (okay listened) with my mom and younger sister. Its going to be 10:30 now and I am ready for a few hours of surfing the net before I go to bed. Maybe I'll get lucky and G will log on and chat for a while. If not, I'll just sit here and hope he is resting, he needs it. Just thought I would at least half way celebrate skipping the party even though I thought about going late quite a few times, the keys stayed put and I stayed home. No drinking tonight!!

God, now what?

Really that is my question. Things weren’t great, but it wasn’t that bad. I had a resolve this week. I was going out with my friends for the birthday and girls night out. I wasn’t going to drink, I was going to have fun. Sober fun. Friday is looking good, no major setbacks, things are going at least at an even keel. Afterschool I went to pick up my kids. I can’t wait to see them. We’re going out to eat before they go to their dad. I want to go skating with them.

None of that gets to happen. My middle child got into trouble at school. I’m not sure what was going through his head, what in the world he was thinking. He won’t talk to me, and now he is with his dad. Maybe he will get an answer from him. What happened is he constructed a gun out of paper and told another child if you pay me I won’t shoot you. A teacher overheard, thank god. Yes I know it was just made out of paper, that kids all act out what they see and hear. I don’t want my kids playing like that. Anyhow, you know by now that there is Zero Tolerance. He’s not allowed back at least until I talk to the principle. I was forwarned that he could be expelled over this. Almost as soon as I walk out of the school, CYFD calls me and says they need to talk to me about this incident. They help me to set up counseling services for him. I hope this helps. I am so mad at him I can’t even talk to him. All I have said to him at this point in time is get in my car NOW.

By the time we leave the CYFD office I have time to go cash my check, and take them to buy the toy I had promised them they could have a week earlier. Things can’t even go smoothly at the store. My youngest got his toy in about 2.5, It took my oldest son about five minutes to find something. Yes, even though I was so mad I couldn’t talk to him, I wasn’t going to break my promise to him. I still let him choose a toy. My daughter on the other hand is throwing a temper tantrum, she can’t find anything. What she does want is way to expensive. After another ten minutes I told her we had to leave, get something, or get nothing, we are late getting to their dad’s house. She gets even madder, pouts more, I told her she doesn’t get anything, lets go. By now the boys are fighting. I can’t handle them. Thank god for my cousin, she came rushing to my side as soon as I called her to tell her what had happened. She straightened them out for me. I met their dad to drop them off and fill him in. I told him why we were late, gave him the money that was meant to buy my daughter’s toy and said IF he had time and wanted to he could take her for something, if not I could do it sometime this weekend. He surprised me, he acted interested in what had happened. He wants to do anything to help the situation. Keep him posted, he’s there to help. Wow.

By now I am really wanting to go get stupid drunk and forget how the afternoon went. I called my friend. We went out for dinner. We went for a drive, I took a nap, he just held me. When we part I am feeling better. I feel stronger. I still need help. Something solid to remind me. I bought a dog tag with the picture of the lord holding his hands out to me. I’m ready to face the evening. I have that birthday party to go to, Girls night only. Things start off great. I order a soda, I talk to the girls. They question my drink choice and I told them I just wasn’t drinking and left it at that.

The guy that I got pregnant by walked into the bar his new girlfriend on his arm. She’s married to a military man in Iraq. It disgusts me, but its their choice. Until a short while before I was great friends with this guy. After everything happened and he got together with this girl I was at his house on a daily basis, just to kick it. He was falsely accused and arrested for assault. I couldn’t help him out. What money I do have needs to go to my kids, I can’t bail him out. He got so mad that he blew me off. His loss. But seeing him and not even being acknowledged stung. Then the rest of the crew started trickled in. Only two of them even talked to me. He had asked all his friends not to associate themselves with the people that refused to help him. I said that’s fine. They can do as they please, its up to them. There’s my table if they want to stop and chat. I went to the bar and ordered a vodka Shelton, drank it at the bar and ordered a second. Double please. I went back to the table and started talking to the girls again. Minutes later my drink is gone. I want something stronger. Something that will take a little longer to drink. I ordered a Derailment. Then another Shelton.

This would be when my phone rang. The guy that has my heart called. I haven’t seen him in more than ten years, but I love him like there is no tomorrow. I can’t wait for spring break. I can’t wait to see him. I can’t wait to finish school, so I can move. He’s sick, he’s a thousand miles away. I miss him so much. Its midnight for him, he should be asleep. He can barely talk his throat is so raw, but something told him to call me right now. Get up, get the phone don’t wait till tomorrow. I gave the drink away and ordered a soda. Told the bartender I was done, no more. After a few minutes of hearing him struggle to talk to me I told him to go to bed. Get some rest and message me in the morning. Don’t call, let his voice rest. You know what my night got better. The girls gave me a hard time for not drinking more, but by the end of the night were saying how great it was to have the will power to stop drinking in the middle of the bar and mean it. They have no idea. I hung on to my necklace all night. At the table, on the dance floor, while talking to the bouncers. I had to feel something there telling me I don’t need it. I’m surprised I didn’t break the chain as often as I pulled at it. G didn’t know I wanted to stop drinking. He just knew that there was a reason he had to call me and check in. As sick as he was he did. I wrote him and told him the rest of the story. I thanked him for listening to that something. I was at 6 days and 18 hours when I broke. I have no excuses, so my day got rough. Doesn’t everyone’s at one point in time or another?

I told the girls I wasn’t going out tonight, I’m sorry but they will have to finish celebrating without me. I am going to eat popcorn and watch a movie. Maybe hang out in the hot tub. They are welcome to join me, but no alcohol in my house. My cousin might join me. If not, well I’ll enjoy it all with my kids. I called their dad and told him I canceled my plans, I don’t need him to keep the kids all weekend unless he has something special already planned. I’ll pick them up after work. Maybe I’ll still take them skating. I don’t have the energy to be mad at B. Is this his way of crying out for help, for asking for attention. Am I neglecting him? Things have to change. I think that change has to start with me before it can change for them. I’m cutting back on work for those extra hours between their school and mine. Its time to reconnect with them. Its time to get back into their lives before its too late. Wish me luck. I think I’m going to need it.

And the story begins...

I'm not sure where to turn for help, I'm not sure I want to. I know I need to. Growing up I watched family drink every spare moment they had. Noone ever called them alcoholics. Noone ever went for help. I thought it was normal. The older I got the more I noticed and hated about the drinking. But it was only beer, it could be worse, at least they don't have a problem...Becoming an adult I couldn't bring myself to drink. The few times I did it couldn't be beer and I got that drunk feeling off of just one drink. I decided it wasn't worth it, and didin't think twice about telling people I didn't drink and ordering myself a soda.

That all changed the day I got divorced. After being married for ten years I told my husband to get out. Ten days later I had divorce papers and custody papers finalized. Just a week before I had asked him to move the thought of getting divorced hadn't crossed my mind. I wasn't happy, but the marriage wasn't that horrible. My vows said till death do us part. I wasn't leaving. The night I asked him to leave he had gone out for his birthday. He swears he told me weeks before he was going with the guys at work. If he did, I don't remember it. The day was rough, we had spent the afternoon helping his sister remodel, I didn't feel like cooking. I wanted to just sit down, but the kids needed to eat. I walked in the room and told him I needed some money. I got the most hateful go to hell look from him, as he asked me what the hell for now. I left. Put the kids in the car and went for a drive. We didn't come home until I knew he was gone. I made dinner, bathed the kids and put them down for bed. A few hours later when he still hadn't come home I asked my mom to keep an eye on the kids while I went to go see where he was. I didn't have a good feeling about him being out. I went by every bar in town. I went by every open restraunt in town. I went by every person's house that I could think of. I went home to wait. Last call came and went. Still no husband. Three rolls around, then four. I'm packing his stuff. Five rolls around when he walks into the room. I can't even fight with him, I don't have it in me anymore. I told him his stuff was packed, his sister left the door open for him. Leave. Now. I'll give him credit, he tried to talk to me. He tried to tell my his excuses. He tried to hold me and kiss me. I couldn't do it anymore. I moved. I closed up on myself and told him to leave again. I told him I would have him taken out if he wouldn't do it himself. Dad was just down the hall, he would do it if I woke him. Its amazing, in all our other arguments we are screaming and yelling within moments, this time I didn't even have it in me to raise my voice. Two days later I got a divorce packet from the courthouse. Eight days later it was final. Everything. I got sole custody of our three kids.

That night I went to the bar, to celebrate. To say look at me I'm free. That was the beginning. Now I am out every Friday night. Drinking till the bar closes going to an after party. Forgettting to come home. Deluding myslef into thinking that all is well as long as I'm sober when the kids come home from their overnight stay with their dad and his girlfriend.

December 14th I realized things were getting out of hand. I was told I was pregnant, then I was told the test was wrong. I wasn't even suposed to be able to have kids anymore, I had my tubes tied six years before. My first thought was that I needed a drink. Not wanted, needed. I spent that evening with an awesome guy. Just a friend. He's been there, he knew what I meant. He didn't tell me how wrong it was, he didn't judge me, he didn't condemn me. Just three simple words. "Not tonight, Please." So simple, yet so powerful. Three days later I went to the hospital. I was pregnant. The fetus was in the tube by the scar tissue. The tech that did the sonogram a few days earlier made a mistake and called it all scar tissue. I miscarried. I needed a drink after that too. I was really scared now. I can't need a drink after I get upsetting news. I'm a single mom of three kids. I can't let this become a problem, who will take care of my babies? After talking to him I realized how things were getting out of hand. I got scared. I didn't drink for a few weeks after that. It didn't take long to say things weren't that bad, I can drink and keep it under control. I don't have a problem, you can't have a problem if you are only drinking once a week. He still didn't condemn, or judge. I saw the disappointment when he said I was doing so good. Please be careful. Don't drink and drive. You know what I was ashamed to go order a drink when he was our server at my favorite restraunt. I don't like that feeling. If I can't order a drink from a person who is my friend, if I am going to try to hide the fact that I am drinking from a friend, then it is a problem.

It might not be as bad as others, but its bad enough for me. It's a problem when you are drinking every spare moment you have. I am. The only time I have to myself, when I'm not at work,at school or with my kids is Friday night from 5 till Saturday at 4. I drink Friday from 8 till I pass out. Its a problem. I don't want it anymore. Now where do I turn? How do I spend time with my cousin's and friends, go out dancing and not be tempted to drink like a fish? How do I take control again? What do I do? This can't get worse. I won't let it...